|
SYMPTOM |
CAUSE |
SOLUTION |
|
Feet cold and
wet: |
Glass being held
at incorrect angle... |
Rotate glass so
that open end points toward ceiling. |
|
Feet warm and
wet: |
Improper bladder
control... |
Stand next to
nearest dog, complain about house training. |
|
Beer unusually
pale and tasteless: |
Glass empty... |
Get someone to
buy you another beer. |
|
Opposite wall
covered with fluorescent lights: |
You have fallen
over backward... |
Have yourself strapped to the bar. |
|
Mouth contains
cigarette butts: |
You have fallen
forward... |
See above. |
|
Beer tasteless,
front of your shirt is wet: |
Mouth not open,
or glass applied to wrong part of face... |
Retire to
restroom, practice in mirror. |
|
Floor blurred: |
You are looking
through bottom of empty glass...
|
Get someone to
buy you another beer. |
|
Floor moving: |
You are being
carried out... |
Find out if you
are being taken to another bar. |
|
Room seems
unusually dark: |
Bar has
closed... |
Confirm home
address with barman. |
|
Taxi suddenly
takes on colourful aspect and textures: |
Beer consumption
has exceeded personal limitations... |
Cover mouth. |
|
Everyone looks
up to you and smiles: |
You are dancing
on the table... |
Fall on somebody
Fat. |
|
Beer is
crystal-clear: |
It's water.
Somebody is trying to sober you up... |
Punch him.
|
|
Hands hurt, nose
hurts, mind unusually clear: |
You have been in
a fight... |
Apologize to
everyone you see, just in case it was them. |
|
Don't recognize
anyone, don't recognize the room you're in: |
You've wandered
into the wrong party... |
See if they have
free beer. |
|
Your singing
sounds distorted: |
The beer is too
weak... |
Have more beer
until your voice improves. |
|
Don't remember
the words to the song: |
Beer is just
right... |
Play air guitar. |
