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Financial Advice Guide
[Revised -
September '03]
Finance - Does your bank or building society confuse
you with complicated terms and conditions, red tape and
bureaucracy? Need advice about your pension or benefits?
Just
follow the simple hints and tips below:
◊
Banking -
Having your pension and or benefits paid directly into a bank or
building society can be a nightmare. Complicated interest rates,
penalties for becoming overdrawn, miscellaneous charges...
There is a solution! Simply don't allow any third party
institutions access to your money. Hide the lot under your
mattress, obviously using a waterproof purse to protect against
urine soiling.
Sit back and enjoy the benefit of instant access free of charge
and without the hassle of a trip to the bank.
◊
Benefits
- Did you know that your pension could be 'topped up' to a level
that would allow you to live on, rather than below, the poverty
line?
The government would obviously prefer you to live on the savings
that you have worked hard to earn throughout your life and may
refuse any benefits application on the grounds that your banking
or savings account is too high...
There is a solution! Exercise your right to use the secure
'mattress method'.
See 'Banking' above for further details.
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Budgeting - It can be difficult to make ends meet
when you are dependant on government handouts. Paying household
bills and the burden of rising food prices can be a particular
problem.
However, as always, there is a solution! Refuse to pay your
council tax.
You will be offered food and accommodation at Her Majesties
pleasure, and better still, absolutely free from crippling bills.
Alternatively shoplift your weekly food requirements. If caught
simply say that your memory is 'not what it used to be' and you
just forgot to pay. Follow up by faking a heart attack to use
the ambulance service as a free taxi ride home.
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